May 20th - Thursday

Life out here as a missionary is definitely hard. Off course some missionaries elsewhere probably have it harder. This is probably easy comparing to how the local people live. As I was doing my devotions this morning I had a realization that my heart had harden, either as an act of survival or unwillingness to completely surrender to God, in case He might ask something I did not want to do (in this case, coming here full-time). This is a bit difficult to explain, but lately my prayer has been that of Paul: to KNOW Christ, to know Him fully: to know His resurrection, and therefore His suffering. Not because I feel like inflicting pain unto myself (I’m not into that), but I’ve had the realization that in order for me to draw closer to God, it was going to hurt. I was going to have to drink from the same cup as my Lord.

Today God and I had a chat. I told him that I gave up closing my heart in fear that He will call me to serve amongst the people here. I know it sounds terrible, maybe it doesn’t, I don’t know. But being called here full time would be scary. When I was really sick I told God NO. I was kindda half joking but I was hoping he’d take me seriously, at least feel sorry for me in my sickness! he he.

I’ve learned with my years of experience (this is a joke, I'm not that old) that it’s not worth it to say no to God. It takes too much energy to fight Him. So this morning I said yes. I said that if He called me here, I’d leave it all behind. Now don’t get any ideas you people. He didn’t call me here (that I know of yet), but letting it go felt good. Telling Him that I would leave my family, my belongings behind, leave it all. Jesus told people in the Bible (Jesus was so ridiculously radical) not to bury their parents “for crying out loud” to follow him. That’s pretty radical no? So what do I have to loose that I cannot gain in Him? What if I gain the whole world but loose my soul? What is SO important that I own on this earth that I wouldn’t give up to do His will? What could be better than this: having nothing for the sake of Christ, my Lord, my redeemer and to KNOW Him --> to know His suffering! To know Christ is everything. All off a sudden the possibility of the sacrifice seemed alluring instead of heavy. I love Jesus. I love him more than anything. I really do hope that I can be a sweet offering every day unto him, but sometimes it’s so hard. Like today I got angry at Raph. He’s a baby for St. Peter’s sake! But he was bugging me. So I got angry. I’m so full of sin and need His redeeming grace so much. And then I was sweet and made muffins for people. I’m so full of contradicting powers and they’re all at work in me, it’s exhausting! Yet I press on because the goal is worth it. The goal is Jesus, the goal is bringing his kingdom on earth and it’s so worth it. It’s worth the malaria. It’s worth the lack of sleep. It’s worth the bad IV. It’s worth the bumpy roads. I tell you, Jesus is pretty sweet, you just have got to meet him.

This is my prayer for you today: “May you bathe in His love. May you find His grace refreshing. May you rest in His presence. May He fill your soul.” AMEN.

Today Mike is gone to help Ron and Barb build their new house so I’m mostly looking after Raph and making muffins. Mission sometimes is right @ home with your family :)

We also got news that Rick and Heather have become officially parents to Tendai. We are so happy for them! I’m sure Heather will post a blog with all the details, but tonight we had a little celebration with the people here, it was good times! Good night.