May 5th

May 5th, 2010

I am not one to be scared, but I have to be honest, today I really was!! First of all we drove all day on the worse roads in the world (I am pretty sure of this) and the whole time I prayed and begged God to spare us! Some of the holes in the roads you could have lost a child in them and I am not even exaggerating (I wish I was). Not only that, but they were curvy and bumpy and we had 2 kids under the age of 2 in the vehicle, which is always a good combination right? It took us almost 12 hours to get there. We were tired and hungry when we got to the “hotel”, but still in good spirits (at least I was).

The “hotel” wasn’t really a hotel, more like a very dirty/disgusting courtyard with 5 rooms. Now please understand that I’ve tried to have a good attitude this whole trip and not to complain … But I just want to be honest about the "truth" --> from my North-American-city-girl perspective: I was appalled by the dirtiness of the place, although told that they made special effort to clean because we were there. The toilette was for all the rooms, didn’t have a working lock, or a toilette seat, or water… It smelt like urine and was very filthy. The rooms were also dirty, although I believe we received fresh linens. Our ceiling had a big whole in it, and knowing that rats are a real problem around here, that surely was not reassuring! I could just picture something jumping out of the ceiling while I slept. There were pigeons and other animals in the courtyard, many drunk men, a loud diesel generator (which turned off @ 9:00 while I was just getting ready to go to bed). Once I got into bed, it was so dark and the noises around us were terrible. Knowing that there are “only” 8 kinds of deadly snakes here just did not help. Picturing the chicken we ate for supper running around, getting plucked, the cut up and roasted… JUST was not something that helped me sleep either, but when I closed my eyes, that was what was going through my mind!! And it was hot. Like really hot, especially when you’re tired… AND smoky, without a breeze. The animals were loud, cats were fighting outside which was frightening, and the people were talking in a foreign language, not even Portuguese which I don’t know very well anyway. I was about to have a melt down, in the middle of nowhere… The scary part was that if something happened to us, who would know? The communications were down with the cell phones and Internet, and there wasn’t a clinic or hospital in hours form where we were. I knew that because we had just driven forever to get there. AND it just didn’t feel safe.

It felt so scary, so wrong… With all these malaria infested mosquitoes around our heads… And that is the only bug I could identify, but there were many… And I had brought my baby boy here? To this what felt like a “God-forsaken” place. Why? To die? I wasn’t being rational I know, but fear is not rational. I felt like I was in a very dark place all of a sudden and all I had learned in Sunday School about how God takes care of us, and even all the miracles I have seen Him accomplish didn’t matter… I felt ALONE, more alone than I’ve ever felt. And more scared too. I wondered in that moment what the apostle Paul must have felt like in his last days: abandoned in a very secluded prison in his last days. And Jesus? Surely Jesus knew what feeling alone was, never mind scared right? “Oh God please give me courage” I begged Him, begged for peace.

I can’t say that I all of a sudden became courageous or that a miracle happened. I had a miserable night and was so glad when we got out of that place! But the Lord did carry me through. He didn’t let me be consumed with fear. And He showed me His presence in the morning as I exited my room: there was a very delicate and pretty yellow flower on the ground. Surely God was here, surely God is everywhere and has not forgotten about His people, about me and I took courage. It was a very difficult place to be, but sometimes we need to go “low” so we can be dependent on HIM and so that we can SEE Him at work. I'm glad I learned something from this situation.